Forum - Personal life

Hi, my name is Leslie. I just started in this biz a few weeks ago and just encountered something tonight that threw me for a loop.

I was already a swinger and poly (polyamorous - having many loves) before I started this. I told one of my poly partners tonight what I was doing. Although supportive, he said he may not be able to be a sexual partner with me anymore because of the sexual safety concerns of his other lovers. His concern is that even though I am taking every precaution, the clients may not be forthcoming in their disclosure which could hurt him and his other lovers. This is a valid concern.

So how do you all deal with this? Do you have lovers outside of your business? How do they deal with it? How do you deal with the safety issues with them?

This has made me realize that although this can be a fun and lucrative career, there are sacrifices to be made and it could end up being more lonely than I thought, even with all the companionship.

How can one do this and have a real personal social life apart from the business? Please respond if you have any answers. This is really hurting right now.

Take care,
Leslie.

I agree it is very difficult to have a personal life outside of this business. For me it is for other reasons. Men just do not understand and we that are in this business still do even though it is widely acceptable within this community it is not acceptable to those outside this community and it is hard to be honest about what we do for a living whether it be p/t or f/t.

Even men that we become close to and trust within this very same community if we ask them to take us dancing view it at times as a way of us trying to gain a free date when indeed we could just be seeking to get out and enjoy ourselves outside of the business. Granted some men are very understanding of how hard it can be for us and do not mind taking us out and we can also gain a friendship as well as a business with some men.

The thing is for the most part we do not seek relationships with clients as this can be harmful to business and we have to be there for those that need to see us but we do need breaks and a life outside of this occupation as well.

I do suggest for your own sanity and for men to see you at your best if things are bothering you too much it is time to step back and take a short break from the business to get yourself back on track and to be your absolute best for those that do see you. Men can tell if you are totally into it or just doing it to get the money and not giving it your best. Trust me they can tell a faked smile from a real genuine one no matter how well you think you are behaving in a session. Just the way we can tell when a man calls if he is a no show and trying to pull the wool over our eyes. It is all instinctive. If you are stressed hun take a short break and then return once you feel better.

Find a regular that has been a friend that you know will not try to take advantage of you and is willing to go out on a sort of date so you can get out that also knows you do this as a job and wish not to have a relationship with him but rather a day out to relieve some stress of your own. There is a few very very good men out there like that. Trust me I have met a few that are willing to be there when I need them. :) I like thier attitudes too. They say that if they do little things that they feel it is regained in turn when we meet for business as we are more comfortable together and it feels more real. :)

But do not let things get to you too much you also have to understand that you are in this business and it will not be acceptable to those outside of the business. The best ones to talk to are clients that do not mind communicating and socializing and other sp's that understand. People outside of here will just not know the facts of this business. If you play safe I would say that you are actually safer within this community than picking up a stranger in a bar and going home with him/her. We in here do all care about our safety. Think about it we get tested the men we meet could be married/in relationships and we are also reviewed and if there is suspicious things it will be damaging to our reputations so for sure we are all careful.

We are educated more as to what sores look like by our research over the net and if we see men with sores that look like herpes we do not go there we know that if there is obvious marks on a mans tongue that is a sure sign of hiv etc... etc... etc... Little things that most on the outside looking in would not even begin to recognize. Face it we screen for our own safety where as girls in bars just go to get laid and do not. Some of which could be in bars every night picking up men for looks or just to get laid for the cost of a drink.

We are also smarter and wiser to the tricks that some men use and know better the lines used and know better come backs than the average woman. Sure some men think we are snobs for it but I feel we are just smarter and men do not like that. lol

But none the less keep a positive attitude about it. Enjoy the freedom to be who you are without the restraints or having to answer to anyone except yourself. Trust me I do enjoy this aspect of it. You are new trust me you will gain in this career very close friends with some men in time that will even love just to take you out for dinner at times to talk and know you more and also be willing to pay for it. Sure those ones will be on their schedule but there are the others like I mentioned that will come when you need because they will just want to be a friend without a commitment to you as well just to make the time together more better or just because they understand what we sp's go through and like to help all in the same community.

Always just give your best and be nice and you too can find those nice men that appreciate both sides of you. :) Some men do not mind seeing both sides, but watch out too some men do not want to hear about the real you and have the impression that they come for fun and do not want to hear about your problems.

Likewise be careful with the sp's you chose to share your bad experiences with as some are cut throat and will go behind your back and ruin you and there is others that will be more kind and assist with advise because they view it as a favour done and want to maintain a buddy system. (which is more beneficial imho) Trust me what goes around does come around. Take your time non the less to see who is who do not fall for any ploys of destruction. Keep yourself and your nose clean at the same time and all will be just fine. The men will respect you more for it too.

I know I rambled on but that is my opinions on how to be new to the business and I am just offering my advice. I cannot go deep into details but hope you can read between the lines. In short though hun in this business there can be many problems and you have to keep strong or it may not be the best place for you. The men want and need you all together and strong and there is many ways to go about it. Take a step back even if just for a short while and think. Being new you have not seen it all but if you read between the lines you can see what to do in cases here should they ever come to you.

Keep those close to you that deserve do not push them away. Learn to recognize who is who. ;)


Oh hun if it is really hurting that much right now take some of the money you made if you have no one to escape outside with and treat yourself to a day at a spa, get your nails done, your hair done and get yourself a massage or go to a tanning salon and just pamper yourself. As they say if you feel good about yourself outside you will likely feel better about yourself all the way around. Don't dwell on things. Just do something you enjoy for a bit.

i think in this job it is easy to have a personal life if your partner does not mind, im speaking from expierience, my girlfriend knows what i do and she knows that i will always protect myself and the client so that theres no way it could affect us both, im not sure she wants to get into it too, but thats her decision, but like i said it should not affect your personnal life you can very easily say its like a second duty, i hope this helped clear things up for you and that you will enjoy the decision you make, you only do what you want and what makes you feel safe, tata have fun

Thanks you so much for taking the time to write such a long thoughtful response for me. It really has helped.

You'll be glad to know that I did what you suggested and took a couple days off. I also saw what you said about not working if you're upset. I did the next day and could tell that I "wasn't there" for my clients. So I took the next few days off and am ready to get back to work.

I've also found a new friend that doesn't mind what I do and will be there just to hold me if I need it. So that's good too. I also have one or two friend-type clients as you described.

Looking back, I see this other situation as a curve ball that I wasn't expecting. It was a test from the universe to ask if I was truly ready for this and if I was willing to make the sacrifices necessary. I've thought about it and I am.

On another note, I didn't know the thing about tongue sores so that is helpful info. Wondering how to check without seeming obvious.

Thank you again so much for your support in answering this. I feel much better.

Thanks for responding. My partner didn't mind what I was doing emotionally. He was just concerned about the safety to him and his other partners. He knows that I am safe, but is concerned about the health and honesty of disclosure from those with whom I choose to partner.

If we were more serious with one another than we were, I'd take a harder look. However, that wasn't the case. Time to move on.

Thanks again. Take care, Leslie

This buissness will always affect your personal life no matter what you do. I am just settleing down with this fact. Its not an easy thing this buisness. Sometimes its good and sometimes its bad. But either way it something we all do fo a living, and something we all have or will come to accept and im so sorry that it had afftected your love life..in best wishes it turns for te better.


xoxoxoxoxo
April :)

UPDATE: Yesterday, this man I told you about informed me that he has to drop all ties with me in order to move on. My choice has upset him greatly. In order to protect himself and his lovers, he feels the need to distance himself from me. I don't think I'm too welcome in the poly community to which we belonged either. That's hard because it was like my west coast family.

I thought they were progressive and open to this sort of thing, so I truly didn't think it would be such a big deal. However, that's apparently not the case when it hits too close to home. They are afraid of the risks I present to them and to myself and thus choose not to be involved in my life.

This is the first big costly sacrifice and it's hitting me pretty hard. However, I am finding the resolve to move forward with what I'm doing because I truly do enjoy it. I am a warm and caring person who has much to offer to this profession.

Any words of encouragement you have would be greatly appreciated at this time.

Take care,
Leslie

Well honestly that sucks hun but you have to do what you have to do to survive and if the poly community wont accept you anymore than that is their loss.As far as saftey I am extremely safe and I dont allow GFE because of mouth sores and or fluid transfer.I have so many men asking me if I swallow or if I do GFE and I tell them no because I am in a relationship but even if I was'nt I would rather not have what they could possibly have so I refuse alot of clients.In a way I kind of understand the poly community's point of view but if they dont trust you eventhough you say you are safe then it would be like any other relationship I suppose( If the other person does'nt trust you than it was'nt meant to be because as we all know trust plays a huge part in relationships).I have some clients I trust and they are like family to me in a way because they are my regulars (they understand I am getting married pretty soon and they understand my need for my own protection) maybe if you get enough regulars together you can replace the poly community with a community of people that understand what you do how you do and why you do the things you do and it wont matter anymore someday.

Thank you for your insight, April. That's very helpful.

You're getting married soon? That is so cool. Congrats! Shows me that there's hope that one can do this and still have a good personal life. Thanks for that.

Take care,
Leslie

What's the difference?

I think men have this need to feel unused. As long as you are giving it up free he's ok. What's the difference of you telling him I've taken on a couple of new lovers in the past couple weeks as opposed to you telling him, Instead of me giving it up free I'm going to take donations from my lovers. What if you asked him for donations every time you got with him?

Honestly, me being a prude and quite old-fashioned in my every day life, I wouldn't be doing this if I had a boyfriend or somebody I was seeing on a regular basis. If I look at it from your perspective, this business is a polyamorous lifestyle. Because my heart is not dedicated to someone outside this industry, I use it to really enjoy the experiences that I have. I wouldn't dare be polyamorous outside of this business unless I was being taken care of by ALL of them financially.

What you're going through is typical male ego bullshit. I think you have some choices to make.