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Lets face it folks. The United Kingdom has turrned into a rather shitty place to live.....and i'm thinking of leaving.
Or i WAS..........but then the most extraordinary marketing opportunity was handed to me, from, of all places...THE DEPARTMENT OF WORK AND PENSIONS.
I am going to retrain for a completely different profession-------- and earn 11,000 a throw.I am going to be the official National Cock chopper........
This is the reason: TRANSEXUALS CAN NOW COP 22,000 more from the government (that is why my operating fee is 50%) by retiring early at 60....so best get in quick chaps to optimise this unexpected bonus!!!!!
I realise i will be working for a diametrically opposed team now...instead of being an avowed 'fluffer' of erections...i am now going to chop the bloomin' things off.
Form an orderly queue gents........
'Will it hurt?' i hear you ask
'Well lads' as the joke goes, 'only if you get your thumbs caught!!!!'
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Added on: 11/13/06 13:15
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Saw a great newspaper story yesterday, boy has this world lost the plot.
It seems this bloke got arrested and was imprisoned (for two days) for: wait for it.....revving his car up 'in a racist manner' while in the proximity of a burkka wearing lady and her husband.
They are said to have 'felt embarrassed and degraded'
This is sher madness, and the next time i have a patron give me an orgasm i will desist from crying out 'Jesus Christ Almighty' in case i inadvertantly offend any Mad Mullah sensibilities.
You can't be too careful in this crazy world!
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Added on: 09/19/06 07:21
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They do try it on don't they?
T.V companies/PR people/Radio...do they have no soul??
This was the initial foray:::
message: Hello,
I work on a night-time adult entertainment show broadcast nationally on Kerrang! radio in the UK to an audience of 3.5 mil. We have the largest share of the night time audience in the region and have the most press coverage within EMAP media group. The show is from Sunday to Thursday 10pm til 1am. We have guests from all walks of life, from gangsters to porn stars to celebs! Would you be available for an interview?
Thanks,
Lucy
Lucy Helliwell
Producer, 'Tim Shaw's Asylum'
(Gold & Silver New York award winner)
Kerrang! 105.2FM in the West Midlands
Sky Digital, Freeview, NTL and TeleWest across the UK
lucy.helliwell@kerrangradio.co.uk
www.kerrangradio.co.uk
Download the Tim Shaw's Asylum Podcast from
http://www.kerrangradio.co.uk/article.asp?id=123495
So this is what happened when i rang to enquire about her message:
'wot's it regarding' she demanded
'you emailed me'
'I email thousands of people'
'that makes me feel wanted'
'when are you free?' she enquired
'when would the interview be and is it by phone?' I parried
'nah....it's in studio'
'where are you based?'asked a heavy hearted Letitcia
'Birmingham'
'But I'm Brighton Body worship....do you pay travelling expenses?'
'No'
'Then I'm not interested'I snarled
'Fine' she said...and put the phone down......
Do you think I was being hasty????? (rhetorical question)
Good manners cost nothing.......
A very weary (and wary) Letitcia
_______________________________________________________________________
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Added on: 07/19/06 17:56
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60,000 copies of a pamphlet designed to help secondary modern kids (as young as 14) to flirt, touch, talk dirty and (get this) nick mum's cling film -----to avoid sexually transmitted diseases, are being used by The qualifications and Curriculum Authority.
PSHE (personal social and health education)was NEVER like that in my day.
Even for for a teacher to MENTION the word Sex, the class would descend into a shambolic farce and have to be aborted.
The closest we got to learning about the birds and the bees in the trees was a dissected frog on a pitrie dish!!!!
A mother is quoted as saying (in indignation)'the majority of 14 yr olds are not having sex, so why should they be made to read the stuff????'
OH WAKE UP AND SMELL THE RUBBER CONDOMS MISSUS!!!
The sound bites are quite amusing also.
Education Dept: 'it's for the heads to decide'!!
The book blurb: 'there's no accounting for taste..not everyone likes oral'
***cough splutter, waves hand in the air*****
WELL I DO SIR!!!!
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Added on: 02/16/06 11:20
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Gee, that created a bit of excitement together with mass hysteria of the 'nice decent families' who are now going to be curtain twitching for signs of disgusting 'comings and goings'
I cannot beleive the 'soundbites' that politicians uttered on the day.
I assume we are collectively less than thrilled to be judged as 'drug users'and 'paedophiles'
I decided to write to Fiona Mactaggart ...The home office minister (Labour Slough) who bought these new revised laws in.
If you go to www.brightonbodyworship.com/book/interviews you will see the email i sent her.
She has not gotten back to me AND i had to give my home address.....must be come kind of dreadful oversight!!!!!
The B.B.C southern counties wanted a soundbite from moi and i DESPERATELY WANTED TO SAY: I HAVE JUST FINISHED SUCKING A GORGEOUS KNOB TO SPEAK TO YOU.
i really am very naughty!!!!!
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Added on: 01/23/06 07:41
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Ladies and Gents, this is the connundrum.
Why, when there is a 'contact button' on the WG's website....do men, who have no intention of patronising the advertised business, INSIST on making contact...with the preamble....'i don't want to pay for it'
The words; 'What the freaking heck are you writing to me for?' springs to mind.
I am polite and reply, but that merely fuels whatever the agenda is.
Is it a competition?
'GO FORTH AND TRY AND SCHTUPP A BRASS FOR FREE'
Is this like a lad's dare or something?????
I don't preface my request for a restaurant booking with: 'i don't pay for food'---imagine the response!!!!!
Wotsit all abart Alfie????
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Added on: 01/13/06 17:47
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One of the many (silly) questions posed to me by myriad magazines is:
TELL US THE DOWNSIDE OF BEING A SEX WORKER.
i remember vaguely laughing and saying: 'having orgasms and not having to worry about money and meeting men that are mega respectful.....MMMmmmmm....let me think.......i cannot seem to think of a down side!!!!!'
They were strangely disappointed that i could not dish the dirt and be a 'moaning (not in that sense) minnie'
Having opened my orgasmic account for the New Year, i must reitterate.....I LOVE MY JOB!!!!!!
Bring it on!!!!!
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Added on: 01/06/06 14:20
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Remember the gentleman who stole my story as his own and misquoted me?????
HE IS DEAD.
Committed suicide...and his funeral is tomorrow.
I hasten to add, i was 200 miles away at the time of his demise...and once i had made my tearful phone call of: 'have you no soul?'---that was it.
I have read heartfelt eulogies about what a wonderful man/father/reporter he was.......all of the words bear no relation to the person that i briefly knew.
I feel sorry for his children...and NO.....i didn't cast a spell.
Life moves on......
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Added on: 01/03/06 18:25
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The country will be at fever pitch with people busting a gut to get to the Christmas celebrations with either friends or family ( though not everyone HAS a family)
I will morph from a windswept and interesting, wise and wily 'sex goddess,' to: .............a child.
I will be told where to hang my hat, my coat....told to set the table, to get my tea before it gets cold, to not drink so much...will be aked for the millionth time: 'have you ever thought of going back to your natural colour'
Be harangued to have a dessert when i don't WANT one.
I'm sure it's the same for most people.
We will ALWAYS be a child in the eyes of our parents and especially one's dear mother.
I won't even WANK while i sleep in my childhood bed
It just would not feel right!!!!!
Any body else feel that way????
Or is it the Catholic in me??????
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Added on: 12/21/05 12:50
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I knew it was a mistake to venture into the metropolis on a Saturday afternoon two weeks before the C word.
I dodged the the shoppers till i came to a triple baby buggy (grrrrr)
and diverted to the gutter.....slipped and TWISTED MY ANKLE.
There i stood, like the Karate kid about to execute 'the crane'...with loads of people offering a perfunctuary 'you all right?' but not actually stopping to help me stand.
I tried to walk it off,....by the time i got home the pain was virtually unbearable...i had to cancel my appointments.
My potential patrons were good natured about it (at least i bloody let them KNOW i was cancelling....wish some men would consider doing the same)
Then finally i got a: 'yeah but you can still suck can't ya?'
I'm glad the spirit of good will toward men is alive and kicking!!!!!
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Added on: 12/11/05 13:33
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In this game there is no rhyme or reason or no pattern to punting movements.
But this time of year is a shoo in, in terms of guaranteed patrons flocking to the door, you can practically set your watch by it.
I guess it is the prospect of being cooped up with people whom you have nothing or very little in common, other than being vague blood relations.
Add to that fractious kids, moaning oldies, and recriminations from years before boiling to the surface of the cauldren, and the ubiquitous Mother in Law....and poor blokes just want to escape and have a GOOD time.
Step this way gentlemen...HO HO HO.
It's not only the Turkeys that gobble at Christmas
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Added on: 12/10/05 03:57
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I solved the mystery of 'you was in the NEWS OF THE WORLD'
Several weeks a go i wrote and submitted an article (which will be published next week)about a new initiative which Brighton and Hove council are implementing with regard to sex workers.
To cut a very convoluted story short, i regaled a local reporter (who was at a restaurant launch) with the subject matter of the said article.
He, much to my searing anger and despite my protestations, plageurised it.
The story was deeply flawed, since he did not have the correct information (i was unwilling to provide it) and he even attributed quotes to me---THAT I NEVER SAID AT ALL!!!
Like they say: 'Never let the truth get in the way of a good story'
A hack from N.O.W obviously nicked HIS supposed story and 2 steps removed, the story ended up like a Chinese Whisper and was even more misleading.
On a similar theme: The manager of a local store (who stocks my book)gave some information (though very tongue in cheek) for the 'Shopping section' of a local Gay Magazine....he gave it to the editor, who just passed it over to the office girl...and it was bloody printed.
This is what it said:......... BUY A WHORE FOR 5.99!!!!! I hasten to add it was about my book and the manager was only joking BUT...doesn't anybody CHECK these things.
Still on a similar theme...yet ANOTHER local Magazine had an article about prostitution a few months back and i felt the wording was misleading, i there fore emailed complaining that it was bad enough to have the bigotry and castigation cast in our direction, but even worse if editors printed disinformation....i sent him a web link showing him correct Home Office Law covering the subject matter.
I have just picked up a copy....and whilst he has got MY quote right (hurrah, be thankful for small mercies)he has asserted that all of the ILLEGAL areas are now (according to him) LEGAL......i truly give up.
Talk about education, education,education
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Added on: 12/03/05 12:37
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....'You was in the News of the World on Sunday' said a magazine editor(to whom i had submitted an article on sex surveys).
The news was like a dagger through my heart.
I don't read it, or even take a crafty peek ---so i am in the dark as to the content (the editor had to go to a meeting).
I have no idea what it was pertaining to, if there was a photo, if they misquoted me (and they surly HAVE---since i have given no interview to a tabloid)
Does any one own up to having a copy so that you can put me out of my misery?????
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Added on: 11/29/05 13:03
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A monotone, flat and disinterested voice asked me for 'details' a few days ago.
I adopted my usual jaunty and jocular manner.....but, nope....i couldn't seem to break through the austere frostiness.
A provisional booking was made, and yes dear reader....i prayed for a mega delay on the M25 or wherever (he was making a 6 hr journey) since with the benefit of thought, i reached the conclusion that i would rather pull hairs from my own anus, than spend time with a complete miseryguts.
He rang to say he had arrived early (by 40 min) and the die was cast.
'You will still have to wait for the appointment time' i said.
This was not recieved very well by 'happy bo**ocks'
'I cannot control how long the journey takes' he whined in accusatory
tones.
This was going to be a right treat!!!
I ruminated, for 5 minutes and rang him back.
'We are simply not going to get on' i said
'Why not?' he replied
I told him he sounded flat and miserable and that frankly (since i am self employed and therefore my own boss) i did not want to spend one minute in what i felt may be an unfriendly environment.
He explained that he always sounded that way and i charitably gave him the benefit of the doubt.
Yes, i received him as a guest and yes he was STILL decidedly unfriendly and non communicative.
HOW ON EARTH CAN GUYS EXPECT TO GET THE BEST FROM A SEX WORKER IF HE IS A MOODY GIT????
I did my very best to be sweet and caring (as always) but boy is it hard when the other party does not even TRY to be sociable.
Funny old world.
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Added on: 11/28/05 16:55
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The number of available heterosexual men in Brighton is virtually NIL (take note Grant).
18 months ago i embarked on a useless odessy of searching for a (sometime) lover.
Guess what?
The same people who would end up perusing my site (and booking me maybe), were also prowling the dating sites (Quelle Surprise)----and they got jolly upset, not to say confused when they saw me there.
'You look familiar'
'I'm gonna report you to the administrator'
'So what really IS the cost of ***king you?'
'You should be ashamed to play with genuine people's emotions, when they are genuinely search for companionship--and you're trawling for trade'
The list was endless
All of these dreadful cynical people (and there was even one woman who suspended my membership of her dating site because she discovered my profession) could not come to terms with the fact that when you finish work for the day, you are on your OWN time.
Then you have the CHOICE with whom one wishes to spend time.
It's not really that complicated surely????
Have given up the search, was a complete waste of time and the brickbats one has to endure from the male inmates of the asylum are too much to bear.
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Added on: 11/22/05 18:42
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I have just had an epiphany.
Since Thomas Cook are now advertising 'Sex Tours' of Amsterdam----where 'children go half price and the under 3' go for free', when i retire (when indeed) i will be the tourist's intrepid tour guide.
At the moment, the 'AMSTERDAM AFTER DARK WALKING TOUR' is being led by an ex sex worker---it begins with: a drink at a 'prostitute's information centre'---then, forming an orderly queue, they wander to the red light district itself. How Marvellous!!!!
I could wave my flag (adorned with a naked girl of majestic proportions) and lead them all into temptation.
'Mummy, why is that lady in the window on a swing?'
Mummy gives Britney a few Kroners to spend on sweeties.
'Daddy, that nice lady is waving at you!!'
Daddy gives Romeo more money to look after Sis, and LOADS of money to the missus to basically get lost for an hour.
How terribly Pythonesque, mind you according to a Spokesperson, the travel company was only offering this tour due to 'feedback from travel clients'!!!!
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Added on: 11/21/05 10:38
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If you remember from my blog a few weeks ago, about the disgraceful episode with the producers trying to make a fake show------they have just been on the phone to me AGAIN!!!!
Out of interest you guys, has anyone aproached YOU over the last few days.
Your feedback would be appreciated.......
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Added on: 11/16/05 12:38
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Yet ANOTHER 'programme' from Endemol on channel Five last night, left me wondering if they were trying to put the Porn industry out of business.
Is there no end to the number of (deluded) souls who will get their kit off for the chance to be on T.V
I saw pubes, flanges,long schlongs, button mushrooms, morbid obesity (though they seemed to be the most cheerful), folds of porcine flesh, shaven havens ( due to the multi piercings) that looked like a hamster's playground.
Some of them relished their brush (no pun) with fame and others looked so uncomfortable that i just wanted to hide my face behind a cushion in excrutiation.
The saving for regular users of Porn, videos or pay per view will be immense---just tune into channel five and you'll be well away.
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Added on: 11/05/05 06:54
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Were i to be writing this on my personal blog ---i would have put it under the category: UN****INGBELIEVABLE.
Channe Five have just broadcasted another 'expose' on older woman younger man.
I personally found it heartwarming, even though some of the subjects were not the shiniest coin in the fountain.
But the lady who had: 'multiple orgasm syndrome' grabbed my attention.
If in the course of my 'duties' i get to holler: 'Jesus****ing Christ***---or some such exclamation, i have a freezing cold shower and try and get some fresh air----otherwise it has the most soperific effect on me.
That's just for ONE-----and my patrons are rather a) adept and b)willing to provide me with pleasure (gawd bless ya)
Her young boyfriend/husband felt under a sexual siege---and was clearly buckling under the strain.
Talk about be careful what you wish for----YOU MIGHT JUST GET IT IN SPADES!!!!!!!!
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Added on: 10/31/05 17:15
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More feedback from my 'stage debut'---i was googling around the other day (imperative to keep on top of the situation marketing wise)typing in variations of things that men would, in looking for moi.
I saw on the second page of results for my name and area----a blogger who had mentioned having seen me at the theatre on that evening.
'A LARGE PROSSIE IN TIGHT CORSET.....' was part of his description.
I felt it was somewhat of a put down----and duly posted a comment in reply
' i prefer the description voluptuous myself' i wrote
He replied.
I then said that i found the word 'prossie' a tad derogatory.
He replied:'Sorry forgive me...i'm a northerner'
I called off my honour hit men and mused that at least he spelt my name correctly.
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Added on: 10/27/05 19:36
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